Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The No Good, Terrible, Rotten Day
It's almost 4 A.M. and I can't sleep. Today was not a very good day for my new mission. I am finding myself distraught and depressed and weepy and I just want to cry it out and the tears just won't come already!!!! Please excuse the long run on sentence.
Today I skimmed through the local community college catalogue and wrote down a few degrees that interested me so that I could explore these options further in my hunt for a new career. I picked five that I either have some experience with or am interested in. They are as follows:
1. Sonographer - I assist with ultrasounds daily on animals and it's pretty peaceful in that room. It's also interesting and I know quite a bit about it and have at one time or another thought about getting a degree in it. The reason I never have is because one time I had an ultrasound and the sonographer made a small noise that panicked me and when I asked her if something was wrong she told me that she wasn't allowed to diagnose....only do the ultrasound and I would need to speak with the Dr. I had to wait 3 days to speak to the Dr. and I was convinced I was going to die. I was fine. I don't want to do that to someone else.
2. Human Service - I love helping people. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy when I help someone out and I make a difference. One of the biggest items on my bucket list is to make a difference in a child's life. There are a lot of different things I could do with this degree that appeal to me. Then there is a hesitation....... I am a caregiver and it has worn me completely down. Do I really want to continue to do that?
3. Audio Visual Systems - This one really appeals to my creative side. I am an old punk rock kid. Over the years I have known a lot of musicians and people in the music industry. I have a lot of connections and for a couple of years I managed bands and booked shows and worked with sound and light people and helped the bands come up with stage gimmicks and what not. I would love to work for a theatre or a concert hall. It would be so much fun.
When asked what he thought of these my husband replied "I don't think any of those sound good." His reason is because none of them "sound like me". He doesn't get it. I crave something new and different and exciting. Something I can look forward to going to everyday. Something I don't have to drag myself to kicking and screaming and bursting into tears for no reason.
I'm slowly realizing that unless you have been through this and felt this, you just won't understand. I totally get that. It's like that with most things. I have to tell you something though. When telling my closest confidantes what I am going through and having them give me sympathy and advice that just doesn't have anything to do with what I am feeling and need to hear is disheartening. To have my husband who is my best friend and is the one person whose support means the most to me just not get it is crushing. I feel utterly and completely alone.
Also...... I'm pretty sure I am lactose intolerant which sucks because even ice cream can't comfort me. BOO.
Today I skimmed through the local community college catalogue and wrote down a few degrees that interested me so that I could explore these options further in my hunt for a new career. I picked five that I either have some experience with or am interested in. They are as follows:
1. Sonographer - I assist with ultrasounds daily on animals and it's pretty peaceful in that room. It's also interesting and I know quite a bit about it and have at one time or another thought about getting a degree in it. The reason I never have is because one time I had an ultrasound and the sonographer made a small noise that panicked me and when I asked her if something was wrong she told me that she wasn't allowed to diagnose....only do the ultrasound and I would need to speak with the Dr. I had to wait 3 days to speak to the Dr. and I was convinced I was going to die. I was fine. I don't want to do that to someone else.
2. Human Service - I love helping people. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy when I help someone out and I make a difference. One of the biggest items on my bucket list is to make a difference in a child's life. There are a lot of different things I could do with this degree that appeal to me. Then there is a hesitation....... I am a caregiver and it has worn me completely down. Do I really want to continue to do that?
3. Audio Visual Systems - This one really appeals to my creative side. I am an old punk rock kid. Over the years I have known a lot of musicians and people in the music industry. I have a lot of connections and for a couple of years I managed bands and booked shows and worked with sound and light people and helped the bands come up with stage gimmicks and what not. I would love to work for a theatre or a concert hall. It would be so much fun.
When asked what he thought of these my husband replied "I don't think any of those sound good." His reason is because none of them "sound like me". He doesn't get it. I crave something new and different and exciting. Something I can look forward to going to everyday. Something I don't have to drag myself to kicking and screaming and bursting into tears for no reason.
I'm slowly realizing that unless you have been through this and felt this, you just won't understand. I totally get that. It's like that with most things. I have to tell you something though. When telling my closest confidantes what I am going through and having them give me sympathy and advice that just doesn't have anything to do with what I am feeling and need to hear is disheartening. To have my husband who is my best friend and is the one person whose support means the most to me just not get it is crushing. I feel utterly and completely alone.
Also...... I'm pretty sure I am lactose intolerant which sucks because even ice cream can't comfort me. BOO.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Of dreams and things.....
So here it is. My first post on my new blog chronichling my journey to a new life. Here is what you need to know. I am 33 years old and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I have had the same career since I was 18 years old. I am good at it. I am really good at it and I used to absolutely LOVE it. BUT NOW? Now I just don't feel the excitement and fullfillment I used to get from it. Four months ago I went part time just to get a break from the stress of it. At that time, I cried everyday on my way to work. I would be fine when I left my house and the closer I got to the place the more anxious I would get until I would just break down. It was awful. So I went part time and I only work 3 days a week now. It's better, but I still feel empty. I have been going back and forth the last few months trying to decide if maybe I just need a new place to work or if I need to just get a new career. I haven't been able to make up my mind. Then I had the dream.........
It was the most random, vivid and bizarre dream I have ever had. In the dream I was in my car sitting at a red light. There was a guy standing in the median with a little black dog. The dog was cute. It was jumping around and was very happy and he caught my attention and made me smile because I work with animals. The guy caught my eye and smiled at me. He walked around the front of my car and I saw that he was going to open the back door. He wasn't threatening in any way. I tried to lock the door but my hand just wouldn't connect to the button. He opened the door and I could see the dog jumping up and down, excited to get into the car. The guy told me I needed to get out of the car. I told him no. He told me again to get out of the car. I didn't feel like he was carjacking me or something.....more like he wanted me to stay there with him and the dog. That terrified me and the fight or flight reflex told me to fly as fast as I could. The light turned green and I floored it. The look on the guys face will forever haunt my mind. A look of disbelief, horror and shock. As I made a left turn, I looked back and saw that the dog had been run over by a car behind me and my first gut reaction was that I needed to go back and help the dog. Then something inside of me said no. Just keep going. You can't help here anymore. I kept going and I felt uplifted and relieved. Then I woke up.
I don't usually look for too much meaning in dreams, but this one wouldn't get out of my head. As I thought about it, I realized what it meant to me. It meant I needed to leave my current job behind and keep moving forward. SO...here I go. I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. I have a few ideas, but none of them speak to me the way my current job did in the beginning. I desperately need that again. I have my own business selling things I make on Etsy, but it doesn't pull in enough money for me to do it full time just yet. PLUS the things I sell there I make for fun and it would break my heart if my stress relieving hobbies turned into a full time job and crushed me. There is a lot to think about...a lot of choices to make...... here we go.
Let the wild rompus begin.
It was the most random, vivid and bizarre dream I have ever had. In the dream I was in my car sitting at a red light. There was a guy standing in the median with a little black dog. The dog was cute. It was jumping around and was very happy and he caught my attention and made me smile because I work with animals. The guy caught my eye and smiled at me. He walked around the front of my car and I saw that he was going to open the back door. He wasn't threatening in any way. I tried to lock the door but my hand just wouldn't connect to the button. He opened the door and I could see the dog jumping up and down, excited to get into the car. The guy told me I needed to get out of the car. I told him no. He told me again to get out of the car. I didn't feel like he was carjacking me or something.....more like he wanted me to stay there with him and the dog. That terrified me and the fight or flight reflex told me to fly as fast as I could. The light turned green and I floored it. The look on the guys face will forever haunt my mind. A look of disbelief, horror and shock. As I made a left turn, I looked back and saw that the dog had been run over by a car behind me and my first gut reaction was that I needed to go back and help the dog. Then something inside of me said no. Just keep going. You can't help here anymore. I kept going and I felt uplifted and relieved. Then I woke up.
I don't usually look for too much meaning in dreams, but this one wouldn't get out of my head. As I thought about it, I realized what it meant to me. It meant I needed to leave my current job behind and keep moving forward. SO...here I go. I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. I have a few ideas, but none of them speak to me the way my current job did in the beginning. I desperately need that again. I have my own business selling things I make on Etsy, but it doesn't pull in enough money for me to do it full time just yet. PLUS the things I sell there I make for fun and it would break my heart if my stress relieving hobbies turned into a full time job and crushed me. There is a lot to think about...a lot of choices to make...... here we go.
Let the wild rompus begin.
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