It's almost 4 A.M. and I can't sleep. Today was not a very good day for my new mission. I am finding myself distraught and depressed and weepy and I just want to cry it out and the tears just won't come already!!!! Please excuse the long run on sentence.
Today I skimmed through the local community college catalogue and wrote down a few degrees that interested me so that I could explore these options further in my hunt for a new career. I picked five that I either have some experience with or am interested in. They are as follows:
1. Sonographer - I assist with ultrasounds daily on animals and it's pretty peaceful in that room. It's also interesting and I know quite a bit about it and have at one time or another thought about getting a degree in it. The reason I never have is because one time I had an ultrasound and the sonographer made a small noise that panicked me and when I asked her if something was wrong she told me that she wasn't allowed to diagnose....only do the ultrasound and I would need to speak with the Dr. I had to wait 3 days to speak to the Dr. and I was convinced I was going to die. I was fine. I don't want to do that to someone else.
2. Human Service - I love helping people. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy when I help someone out and I make a difference. One of the biggest items on my bucket list is to make a difference in a child's life. There are a lot of different things I could do with this degree that appeal to me. Then there is a hesitation....... I am a caregiver and it has worn me completely down. Do I really want to continue to do that?
3. Audio Visual Systems - This one really appeals to my creative side. I am an old punk rock kid. Over the years I have known a lot of musicians and people in the music industry. I have a lot of connections and for a couple of years I managed bands and booked shows and worked with sound and light people and helped the bands come up with stage gimmicks and what not. I would love to work for a theatre or a concert hall. It would be so much fun.
When asked what he thought of these my husband replied "I don't think any of those sound good." His reason is because none of them "sound like me". He doesn't get it. I crave something new and different and exciting. Something I can look forward to going to everyday. Something I don't have to drag myself to kicking and screaming and bursting into tears for no reason.
I'm slowly realizing that unless you have been through this and felt this, you just won't understand. I totally get that. It's like that with most things. I have to tell you something though. When telling my closest confidantes what I am going through and having them give me sympathy and advice that just doesn't have anything to do with what I am feeling and need to hear is disheartening. To have my husband who is my best friend and is the one person whose support means the most to me just not get it is crushing. I feel utterly and completely alone.
Also...... I'm pretty sure I am lactose intolerant which sucks because even ice cream can't comfort me. BOO.
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